the decision i made to shut out... seemed useless.
realised that i needed answers. shutting out provided none.
no, shutting out or not, there just isnt any.
should i seek?
i'm afraid, that it'll just hurt me more.
the hurt inflicted, caused a wound.
i hoped to heal it with given time. as time comes and go.
yet the wound seems so deep, it's taking long to heal.
i cant afford giving more time.
even so, this wound would leave a scar.
am i to do as you said?
stand on my own?
i'm confused.
however, if you aren't willing to wash my tears away.
or provide a shoulder to lean on,
i'll just do it myself.
i still need you. ironic.
you went finding other's sources of strength.
ndp cg.
but being mine, you never appeared whenever i needed you.
found you with others.
ohwell, whatever.
for you to say that phrase of importance earlier,
it may not have been a lie.
yet for you to say it now.
it would be.
what's going in your mind? i ask.
many questions running through my head.
i'm stupid, dumb.
every time i press the 'send' button for a message to you,
stress arises.
expecting some response, i get none.
why stress myself? i ask.
i need reassurances, and answers to the many questions i have.
since you aren't giving them, isnt it such that i shd seek?
i am not sure.
seems like you're oblivious to everything arnd you.
i wont blame you. i cant bear to anymore.
however i cant simply forget all that's happened and say 'we'll be fine'.
waiting, sitting at the beach, just waiting, for a message 'how's your day'.
the life threatening beach, i still get none.
your heart is so closed.
i cant even search for answers on my own.
it was so cold, the night at the beach.
yet there wasnt your presence to warm me.
was God giving hints?
like since i wanted so badly, a night to watch fireworks with just your presence.
and that night we didnt manage to see?
does it signify anything?
i'll see how much longer i can keep my hope in you.
everlasting, i suppose.
i'm sorry. i still am.
for hurting you last time.
it's guilt in me.
will you find me and put me snugly into your arms when i'm lost?
because now i am-lost.
instead, i'm lost. in your arms.
where should i go?
am i never to be found?
it seemed to be raining hard these days.
pouring. lightning, thunder.
my fear of thunder wasnt eased by you.
i could only just get scared and close my ears.
like how i am shutting out from reality
i'm running away.
is up above mourning for me?
or is it just a regular mop.
whatever it is, i choose to think option one.
why are you so impt to me?
this question i ask.
your presence is so warm.
this question i answer.
is your heart willing?
this question i again ask.
i found no answers.
just yet.
DANCED- 10:29 AM